Summer Jam to Blue Ox with no booze, some blues…

Here’s my last ten musical days in journal form.

I haven’t done one of these in a while. I think part of it is that the last few months haven’t really felt especially hard or easy in the context of booze. Life has been growing and shaping and new fun friends have been making my acquaintance and I’ve been working on relationships in general. Both the ones I can do better with and the ones I can give space.

In the last few days I’ve had to remember a person I no longer am and love them. Add some mind fucks along the way and there you have the messy, dusty, sweaty, tired, happy, warm, and sometimes serene ball of things that winds into a life.

So, this is about all of that probs.

What did I expect to be hard that wasn't?

Honestly the desire to drink wasn’t that strong at all at either Summer Jam or Blue Ox.

Summer Jam is a fairly new festival to Eau Claire and blends 70s and 90s rock together into a tasty musical mix with an interesting crowd. Besides a couple rad but small crews of friends who were fun there were not many familiar faces there save for my brother Gene.

While we have always been close and have teamed up on a lot of work projects and family events, we haven’t done too much relaxing together let alone go to a rock concert. That was a blast.

Gene runs the Spiritual Program retreat which my father founded when I was a few months old. He’s taken it from being an org that was sort of a church to one that is hyper-focused on meeting the needs of people struggling with drug and alcohol abuse in western Wisconsin. Watching him vibe and then talking about metaphysical spirituality while watching Blue Öyster Cult will always be something I cherish.

To the prompt, not drinking at this fest was no issue. The old and new friends I was hanging out were rad and the vibes were right to enjoy Styx, Wallflowers, and so much more.

Then, skip forward to the Blue Ox Festival. To say this is my church feels ostentatious but accurate. I’ve been going to this fest for all but one year and broadcast most of them. So, it’s a crazy time of chatting with people I love, enjoying some gorgeous live music, and feeling family throughout the campsite. I hate to sound like that hippie, but I'm glad to be part of the congregation.

What was harder than expected, even if it was small?

Blue Ox has been a place where I have campsite beers, vendor beers, and even a few backstage. So, while it’s my church, I’ve definitely hit up the communion too many times if you know what I mean.

So, this year not drinking really forced me to confront a lot of the heavy drinking I’ve done at Blue Ox, especially in 2016-19, and who I was during that time. There are a lot of pieces of the puzzle that are not my story to tell, but this was the creative, community, and career peak that I reached while I was simultaneously feeling alone and like I had nothing to give.

That’s the thing about people pleasers who become leaders, we will give everything and bleed for you until we don’t know what to do. It’s not that I ever saw that as a virtue but creating community was what I was all about and it was a confluence of stimulating experiences that drove me then. I wasn’t getting the support I needed and felt alone while owing everyone everything.

So drinking shut that shit the fuck up sometimes and I did it a lot.

And, as such, I got to sort through a ton of those emotions and experiences this year sans booze for three days while wrestling with the deeper challenge of feeling whole, not just because I’m not drinking but because I’ve also had healing and therapy time. I’ll be honest I don’t have an answer there yet. Part of the problem of being a little nomadic is I wrestle with being unsettled.

With all this in mind, it was the words of Them Coulee Boys that have been my benediction for the last five years:

I won't be defined
By who I am when I'm weak
When my mind
Has its seasoned grip on me
I don't have to be a victim
To the forces you can't see
I won't be defined
By who I am when I'm weak

Where did alcohol show up today—socially, emotionally, or mentally?

When you are around live music alcohol comes with that package, heck it pays to keep places open for live music. So alcohol is always around.

However, there was a real difference in how it was presented.

At Summer Jam every break there was someone on stage saying, “It’s a hot day, make sure you have a beer!” In fact, I don’t think they mentioned water once. So that felt honestly pretty shitty.

However, Blue Ox was different. The messages from the stage are about unity and making sure to take care of one another. So, the pressure just wasn’t implicitly marketed there. Also, this is my community so people have been following this journey and I don’t really think there was anyone trying to get me to drink save one delightful boy with Limoncello that bashfully apologized when I said I didn’t drink alcohol.

What changed in my body, mood, or use of time that I wouldn't have noticed before?

So much dancing, but that could also be all the yoga and Pilates.

What's one sentence I could read out loud on a mic?

Sometimes grace for ourselves comes in releasing who we were while thriving with those we love most.